Column: How to cope when you fall out with an adult sibling
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With some people ultimately, we have to prioritise our own wellbeing.
One sibling can be driven, the other one relaxed. One worries about what the neighbours will think, the other wants it all to hang out. These two people might never have chosen to be close, if they met in work or in a social situation but due to an accident of birth they are thrown together every Christmas, wedding and funeral. They have to make major decisions together.
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So what can we do? Generally we know what we want from our sibling- them to change! We want them to agree with us and to go along with our point of view. However, we seldom go out to understand their point of view.
It is important to know that your siblings response is less to do with you now, than it is to do with childhood memories Tom was always bossing me around; Sarah was always selfish ; their marital satisfaction; their economic situation; their current psychological state.
Although we grew up together, actually we spent a lot of lives apart. Is it possible to see our sibling as an adult with a reasonable point of view?
Character assassination, not so good We can be quick to blame and slow to acknowledge. There are two typical responses we have to our siblings i we go into lecture mode ii or go into quiet resentfulness. This either means we are talking down to them or we are putting the row off for six months until it blows up, out of the blue. The point of character assassination is that we have to keep reinforcing their unreasonableness in order to justify our anger.
And our anger is our anger. Something for us to understand and manage.
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The most common difficulty between siblings is a sense of something not being fair. Can we notice any of our own difficult feelings- jealousy, envy, resentment, shame?
Habits are hard to break If we stop talking to someone, it is much harder to put it back together again. A feud is every Christmas, every birthday. I left it for the nation Arguably, Modi's detachment has helped to blunt any personal allegations against him in the debate on demonetisation. Just how far behind he has left his family is evident from a visit to Gujarat.
The Modi clan continues to live the life of middle-class obscurity they did when their famous family member first became chief minister in Another of the PM's elder brothers, Amrutbhai, 72, retired as fitter for a private company, drawing a salary of less than Rs 10, a month in He leads a quiet, retired life in his four-room middle class dwelling in Ahmedabad's Ghatlodia locality with son, Sanjay, 47, a small entrepreneur, and his wife and two children.
Sanjay's son Nirav and daughter Nirali are both engineering students. An ITI certificate holder, Sanjay fashions small engineering spare parts at his lathe machine shop and makes a modest living. The family car, bought inis parked outside the house, covered. It is sparingly used as the family mostly travels by two-wheeler.
Elder brother Amrut Modi, 72, with the iron used by the PM while staying with him in Ahmedabad from Sanjay's family, who confess they are yet to see the inside of a passenger plane, have met Modi only twice-once in when, as CM, he hosted a family gathering at his Gandhinagar home, and then on May 16,the day the BJP fashioned that historic Lok Sabha victory again at his Gandhinagar residence. Everyone in the Sattadhar tenement society where they stay knows Amrutbhai is the prime minister's brother.
But as a local anecdote goes, officials at the bank where Sanjay has an account, don't know this. His son Priyank was recently spotted in a long queue to withdraw money. Sanjay's most cherished possession is a memento that recalls his uncle's early obsession with wearing well-ironed clothes. Modi apparently used the iron while he lived with Amrutbhai in Ahmedabad between and Sanjay says he stopped his parents from selling it for scrap in indeed, he seems to be one of the earliest believers in his uncle's greatness.
In keeping with the RSS ideal, which requires a pracharak to maintain a distance from family members, Narendra Modi started cutting himself off infocussing more on his work with the Sangh and leading a celibate life.
The other Modis
And over the years, this is how things remained as he began his ascent up the political ladder. His relatives, nevertheless, regard him with some pride. The sentiment is reciprocated by the prime minister, evidently relieved as he is at not being besieged by relatives seeking favours. In today's world, it is an extremely difficult thing," Prime Minister Modi says.
- Column: How to cope when you fall out with an adult sibling
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Some of the family members, though, maintain a distance from Modi's youngest brother, Prahlad Modi, a fair price shop owner and president of the Gujarat State Fair Price Owner's Association. Prahlad was a vocal critic of his elder brother's drive for transparency in the PDS system when he was CM, holding public demonstrations against the 'raid raj' on shop owners. Stories of the rest of the Modi clan-the PM's brothers, nephews and nieces or his first cousins-are of simplicity and struggle.
In fact, some of them struggle to make ends meet. Modi's first cousin Ashokbhai son of Modi's late uncle Narsinhdas used to sell kites, crackers and snacks on a four-wheeled push cart in Vadnagar's Gheekanta bazaar.
He now rents out a tiny 8x4 ft shop for Rs 1, a month to sell the same articles. The shop earns him about Rs 4, With wife Veena, he earns another Rs 3, working at a weekly free food outlet for the poor run by local Jain businessmen. Ashokbhai cooks khichdi and kadhi and his wife washes the utensils at the outlet. They live in a ramshackle three-room house in town.
His elder brother, Bharatbhai, 55, leads an equally tough existence. He works as a petrol pump attendant, earning Rs 6, a month, at Lalawada village near Palanpur, over 60 kms from Vadnagar. He comes home every 10 days or so.
In Vadnagar, his wife Ramilaben sells eatables, grocery and miscellaneous items from their small home in old Bhojak sheri, earning some Rs 3, a month. A third brother, Chandrakantbhai, 48, works as a helper at a charitable gaushala in Ahmedabad.