We all have fears and insecurities, but they don't have to destroy your relationship. Not if you identify and work through them. That's why knowing how your insecurities affect a relationship — and recognizing the signs that "If your partner is into you, and you insist on comparing, it could ruin you," Backe says. "That comes with any new experience. Chronic insecurity is toxic to your relationships. The majority of relationship insecurity is based on irrational thoughts and Source: New World Library.
Let's look at this in more depth: A security issue When we enter an intimate relationship we can feel very emotionally vulnerable; especially if we have felt let down or hurt in previous relationships. Will they reject me? Have I done something to upset them? This is just too good to last! These are the typical thoughts and feelings of the chronically insecure partner.
Being insecure is a whole lot of hard work. So what does it involve?
Seeing problems where none exist When we become anxious about anything, we start looking for signs of things 'going wrong' nervous flyers look out for signs that the aircraft is in trouble. And, of course, we usually find what we're looking for, even if it isn't really there at all. We perform constant monitoring: Why did they say that?
Who's this other person they've mentioned? Should I feel threatened? Are they less attentive? Why did they pause after I suggested we meet up? Emma said she had often felt inadequate and "not good enough" to be with her current partner.
Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
She couldn't possibly understand what he could see in her. She also told me she had ended many previous relationships because of her insecurity.
But we all need the comforts and support that intimacy can bring us.
So what can you do if insecurity is blighting your relationships? The insecure flyer will hear the normal mechanism of the air conditioning and twist it within their imagination to signify impending doom via crash and burn.
They'll imagine the bored look on an air steward's face to be barely concealed terror because, "He must know something we don't! They scare themselves by assuming what they imagine represents reality.
There are normal 'mechanisms' to any relationship. There are ebbs and flows and mood changes, moments of intimacy and closeness and comfortable spaces. These ebbs and flows are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting an aeroplane to never make a sound or a movement. Next time you feel insecure, ask yourself what it is you are imagining.
Write it down on paper under, 'Stuff I am making up in my head. Which neatly links to Save 2 Avoid the Certainty Trap Overcoming relationship insecurity is partly about becoming less controlling.
This may sound strange, but feeling that: A sign of insecurity in relationships is when the desire for certainty becomes too strong. Having to know whether your partner really loves you, having to know this or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension into the relationship. The fact is, we all have to live with uncertainty.
Insecure people can still feel insecure even when they are told they are loved. Wanting what is not possible complete and utter certainty in all and everything forever is not possible because imagination can still make up doubts. So stop looking for certainty where it doesn't apply.
Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now. Nothing in life is certain. Your relationship needs room to breathe. Schedule in some 'separate time' and just see it for what it is. The developing flower needing space to grow isn't a sign that it is heading for collapse. If they say one thing don't assume they mean another. This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable. When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy. Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts. Read Getting the Love You Want. Stop looking for perfect relationships. You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be perfect.
Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones. Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly.
Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships. Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive.
If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before. So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ.
This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.
- 5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships
Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios.
We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth. When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer.
5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships
Insecurity is often the culprit. The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is not paying attention. Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality.
What you need to realize is that there are normal idiosyncrasies to any relationship.